I CAN MOONWALK!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
