I am spending my child support on dildos
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
