You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
