i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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