If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
