woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Text me some of your sweat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
