Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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