Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
