I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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