Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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