Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The air was thick with penises
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
