i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
