i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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