I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
