when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my sisters under your porch take her home
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
there is glitter all over my balls
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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