How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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