glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
