Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
