Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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