You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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