I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
