What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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