I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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