I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
