He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
