I just found puke in my bra..
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
