the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
