Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just sucked dick on a ferry
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
