I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just cropdusted the office
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
