morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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