Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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