my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
COCAINE IS GR8
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
