Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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