I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
