yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
