So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
