I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
