I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
