you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
