Swine flu. Run for my life!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
