just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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