i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
