I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
