he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
