sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
