currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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