Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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