who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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