Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
