Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hippo gnu deer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
