I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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