chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
