Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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