You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Couch. On fire.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
