She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize