Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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