My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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