I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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