he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
